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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27228226">Something hides in every gaze</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raiken/pseuds/Raiken'>Raiken</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Gentleness, Jeongin admires Hyunjin, Late Night Conversations, Light Angst, Lowercase, M/M, Male Friendship, Mild Sexual Content, Romantic ChangJin, Sexual Confusion, sort of a coming of age story</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:14:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,282</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27228226</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raiken/pseuds/Raiken</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“i am not sure about myself either, if that can make you feel better," hyunjin softly said.</p><p>jeongin let out a defeated sigh.</p><p>“what i do know, on the other hand, is that i wouldn’t have done what we did together with anyone else,” he sincerely told him.</p><p>“aww, you like me too much,” hyunjin cooed with a sweet smile.<br/>--<br/>or: Jeongin wonders why he likes staring at Hyunjin so much, which leads him to question his sexuality. While he discovers about himself, he also finds out about the sorrow hidden in Hyunjin's keen eyes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin, Hwang Hyunjin/Yang Jeongin | I.N</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>124</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Something hides in every gaze</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i wrote this on a whim to get it out of my system, and i wasn't planning to post it either, hence the lowercase. i really wanted to write about jeongin and his obvious admiration for hyunjin (from my perspective at least) that turns into attraction (but not romance), then ofc as a changjin shipper i wrote about them as well... it's not beta-ed, so i'm sorry about the mistakes ;;; enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>on a quiet evening, pale stars glimmered upon the window of their hotel room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it was late, almost ten pm, two hours after their first concert for tokyo’s music festival. the bedroom was lit by a decorative lamp that didn’t light much else; only the quilted couch jeongin was flopped on while playing a game and the neat, single bed that was placed twenty centimeters away from his knee.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin looked up when hyunjin came out of his shower and crawled on his single bed like a cat; he laid on the sheets with a sigh, his eyes fluttered shut and his hand strayed beneath the hem of the white t-shirt that was shaping his lithe figure.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin looked away as soon as he saw his small belly button, and wisely decided to focus on his game again. it worked for a while, until his eyes stared back at his sleeping friend, roaming over his bare legs; over his thin navy shorts that revealed half of his thighs and that hugged his small waist; over his belly, his chest, his pleasant face where his gaze stayed for a moment before looking away again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it had happened a lot back when they were teenagers, it was still happening today. at the start, it was simply unbounded admiration, because hyunjin was the epitome of beauty, he was passionate, resilient, and diligent in his work. he was young, only one year older than jeongin, but he stood, walked, observed the world around him like he was invulnerable; impregnable like a cold castle made of polished glass.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>pretty contradictory, given his fragile personality always easily shattering. however, he was stronger than jeongin for the simple fact that he could easily piece himself back as well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>now, though, his admiration for the older boy was laden with something else that still had jeongin confused. maybe because he matured? he grew up, so there were things he hadn’t noticed before, or more like these things didn’t affect him before because he was too young to properly understand them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it was all of hyunjin’s intense, wet gazes locking with the camera, then averting, as the corner of his sensual mouth twisted into a sly, flirty smile; and it was simply the way his body moved, charging the air, the atmosphere with his sensuality.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>what jeongin found cool before, the result of hyunjin’s hard work and passion, now was affecting him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>what he could witness before, he could feel it now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>which was why he frequently caught himself staring wonderingly at hyunjin for interminable minutes. thinking about his beauty, even when he was tired, bloated, angry; thinking about how all his dancing crafted his body into the most beautiful figure jeongin had ever laid his eyes on; thinking about how unfair it was that hyunjin was as appealing as the girls jeongin loved to look at because they were sweet and pretty.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>naturally, hyunjin was more than his beauty; he had flaws like everyone else, but no flaw that could erase all the praises jeongin would sing for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>at some point during his contemplation, hyunjin turned his head towards him and looked up with curious eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“why is it so silent?” he asked in a sleepy voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>right, jeongin had forgotten about his game, so it had automatically paused, leaving the room silent.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i turned off my phone,” jeongin simply answered while turning off his phone for real.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“to stare at me?” hyunjin shifted on his side, with his hands curled on the white sheets near his chest and with his t-shirt falling to cover his belly. “why were you staring at me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“aren’t you used to it, anyway?” jeongin retorted. he set his phone aside and stretched out, spreading his legs wider than they were before. it felt good, it got him out of his thoughts as well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it doesn’t answer my question,” hyunjin quipped, his smile pretty.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin observed him lift his hand toward his face and tuck a strand of moist, blonde hair behind his ear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he shrugged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“because you’re beautiful.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin wasn’t afraid of telling the truth. complimenting hyunjin was nothing new to him; but the latter looked away, like he always did because he had never known how to receive compliments.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you sound like changbin,” hyunjin chuckled as he rolled on his back and extended his long legs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin could discern the shape of his hip bones beneath the thin fabric of his shorts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“changbin doesn’t only stare, though.” jeongin frowned, thinking about their older friend who always sounded so serious when he was flirting with hyunjin, always touching hyunjin where he probably should not, given they were friends, and friends didn’t want to kiss each other on the mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>friends didn’t cuddle with their limbs tangled the way changbin and hyunjin did, because it was a way that had their dicks touching, that had changbin’s pressed against hyunjin’s butt, that had his hands beneath hyunjin’s t-shirt. and hyunjin liked it, he liked being held, he liked to trap changbin between his legs, he liked to touch changbin too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>more importantly, friends didn’t kiss. jeongin had seen them kiss once. he had seen changbin on top of hyunjin in the latter’s bed, with the hood of his sweater pulled thoughtfully over his head to hide their faces, with hyunjin’s hand cupping his cheek below the hood, until he turned his face away and slightly slapped changbin’s mouth. jeongin was convinced it would never happen again, because both boys distanced themselves from each other ever since they kissed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what do you mean?” hyunjin slowly asked, his eyes that had been innocent until now slightly darkened. “what are you implying here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>his tone was still gentle despite his apparent wariness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin didn’t have any ill feelings about his friends’ unique bond. he was just a witness, and like all witnesses, he was questioning what he was seeing and he was questioning his reaction to it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i just meant that he tried to kiss you. he wasn’t only staring.” jeongin hastily replied. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“and he was joking,” hyunjin whispered, rolling on his side to curl on himself. “anyway, you are being uncharacteristically quiet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m not—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you are. and you were lost in your thoughts, staring at me,” hyunjin elaborated in a neutral tone. “are you okay? is there something bothering you?” his eyes gleamed with worry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin pondered over the question for a while.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he was tempted to keep everything to himself, like he always did, but he had never been patient with his doubts… he was going through an identity crisis because he didn’t know if being intrigued by hyunjin meant something.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he could praise men without feeling anything. he could hug them even if he hated physical contact, yet the last time hyunjin was being his silly self next to him, he impulsively pressed his face in his neck to bite him. it hadn’t surprised him as much as it had surprised hyunjin who had whined with his lips naturally parting into an o shape.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin had acted by instinct; the instinct that told him he wanted to touch his friend, because he was intrigued, because weird tingles were running across his body, especially in the low of his belly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin’s skin had felt good against his tongue; he hadn’t calculated his bite, so his tongue had collided with his neck too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin had tasted good, he had smelled good, although he always smelled good, even covered with sweat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>how could admiration transform into this? it was only tingles so far, because he was dancing around desire, never letting it get the upper hand over him, always beating it up like he always beat up his hormones in this claustrophobic lifestyle depriving them of privacy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“jeonginnie?” hyunjin supported himself on his elbow as worry completely twisted his soft features.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>wasn’t it better to make sense of everything now, instead of carrying whatever this was like a dead weight all his life?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>besides, hyunjin was among the rare trustworthy people in his life. the older boy was reliable, he had always been there for him, he would always be there for him. he even said he would kill for him. that was how much he could trust hyunjin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you won’t like it…” jeongin finally said. his toes curled in the fluffy rug covering the wooden floor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“why? what is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you promise you won’t tell anyone?” jeongin gave him a serious look.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“of course.” hyunjin patted the empty spot on the sheets next to him. “you can trust me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin thought experiencing his doubts would help him unfold them better; which meant being close to hyunjin, to his body.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he got up to lay on the single bed next to his friend and was immediately met with the fragrance of his soap. the plump pillow and the sheets were loaded with his scent. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>at least he was attracted to someone clean and fresh, jeongin thought.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“so, why wouldn’t i like it?” hyunjin asked once jeongin was comfortably settled next to him. he instinctively draped his arm over his middle and gently squeezed his side to encourage him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin felt the weight of his arm, felt his warmth triggering the tingles within his body like fireworks, felt his bare, bony knee poking the side of his thigh. they were close to the point jeongin wondered if it was a good idea.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>but it was now or never.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“because it has something to do with you,” jeongin carefully explained, looking at hyunjin in the eyes. he knew the older boy was attentively listening to him; he wanted to help him get by whatever he was going through right now. “don’t be mad, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin swayed his head from side to side, a blonde strand of hair fell over his face and he tucked it back behind his ear. jeongin followed his movement with his eyes, enjoying the sight, especially since he was seeing it so closely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i won’t be mad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“okay…” jeongin began, still a tad unsure about what he was preparing himself to say. “is there something going on between changbin and you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin frowned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“no, nothing is going on between us. why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i saw you two kiss once. i didn’t tell anyone, i never will.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin brought his hands to his face to rub his eyes with the palm of his hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin read his controlled anger in the twitch of his mouth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>then, hyunjin ran his fingers through his hair and let out a calm sigh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it was an accident, forget about it,” he told him with a brief smile. “is that what you are worried about? you think changbin and i would damage stray kids?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>feeling his anxiety, jeongin held his hand to reassure him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“no, i know it was a one-time thing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it was. it never happened again. we’d never cause any harm to the group,” hyunjin said in a faint voice. his lower lip jutted into a pout as he looked away, absent. “i don’t regret the kiss, but changbin and i aren’t together.” he looked back at jeongin with resolute eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin didn’t develop any resentment toward his two friends. if anything, he understood changbin. it must be hard for the older boy to vehemently deny the part of him that was smitten over hyunjin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>they were all aware of it, they could perceive it; in his enamored eye;, in how treated hyunjin with care, like he wanted to be hyunjin’s hero, reliable and cool and strong; in how he liked to make him laugh, to flirt with him even if he was faced with a wall of glass.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it wasn’t like changbin could go against what both his heart and body longed for, just like how jeongin couldn’t go against where his eyes liked to land on. even hyunjin, with his firm resolve, treated changbin like the older boy wasn’t allowed any mistake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin still had their last fight imprinted in his retinas the day changbin lost the puppy necklace for good and hyunjin simply exploded. for the first time. like a matchstick transforming into a bomb. jeongin had never seen his friend so hurt, so furious, so distressed before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it had taken them weeks before they began talking again. hyunjin because of the wound caused by changbin’s lack of care, and changbin because he didn’t know how to handle the guilt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(changbin didn’t know how to handle his feelings either. he probably beat them up to death, like jeongin tried beating up his hormones once upon a time.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i know,” jeongin gently told him, squeezing his hand again. “it’s still not what’s bugging me, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin tilted his head to the side, confused.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what is it then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“seeing changbin kiss you… made me question myself,” jeongin replied in a small voice. it was always harder to confess to someone than to admit it to himself. whatever the topic was, it always made him feel vulnerable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what— how?” hyunjin supported himself on his elbow again, his eyebrows knitted together in concentration. “i don’t understand…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“because i’m fascinated by how pretty you always are, and when i’m alone, i sometimes think about touching you,” jeongin averted his gaze, then turned his face away, shame ringing in his ears given how inappropriate his words turned out. “not sexually though. i mean not necessarily,” he instantly added. “it’s like when you see a cat so cute; you can’t help but touch its fur right? i have the same… urge.” his heart had never beaten so fast before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he didn’t know what fear had been until now, because he had just exposed himself, and that was the worst thing someone could use against him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin let out a lingering hum of understanding.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he sounded as pretty as he looked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you’re not mad?” jeongin asked, surprised by how composed hyunjin appeared when he eyed him again. the gentle glimmer in his eyes made jeongin feel better about this exceptional situation, and about himself as well, because the courage he took to confess had quickly changed into fear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“why would i be mad? i’ve been there too,” hyunjin told him softly as a sweet smile bloomed on his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“really? with who? changbin?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“nah.” his eyes squinted mischievously. “before changbin.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what?” jeongin squinted his eyes as well, although he was trying to read hyunjin’s mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>did it surprise him? no. his classmates liked to stare at hyunjin, they always asked about him, called him a prince, and took selfies with him. boys and girls alike were drawn to hyunjin. observing him sleep on his desk? jeongin would have called it weird at the time, but he understood now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it was no secret that he had had fond boys hitting on him as much as girls, so it made sense for him to have experienced what jeongin is currently experiencing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he was curious, though, who could have been hyunjin’s… hyunjin?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“with who?” he asked his friend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it doesn’t matter,” hyunjin said, shrugging; a warm puff of his fruity scent ghosted over jeongin’s nose. “it’s the past.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“but—” jeongin still wanted to know hyunjin’s secrets like the latter knew his. “it’s unfair.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin snorted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“hey, we aren’t discussing my past, but your present,” he reminded him with a gentle smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“fine.” jeongin conceded. hyunjin had trusted him when he told him he had been through the same thing, after all. that was enough. “you’re right.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“so, tell me what you want to do, exactly,” hyunjin prompted while laying his head on the pillow. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he looked at him with focused eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin still noticed the mischievous glow swimming in his dark pools of eyes; hyunjin was enjoying this situation like he had been enjoying leading changbin by the nose all this time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the difference between changbin and him, though, lied in the fact that changbin was in love with hyunjin, unlike him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin was simply attracted. he wanted to touch, to consume his desire, not to love.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“um. can i… look?” jeongin suggested. because looking at hyunjin was what sparked his attraction to begin with. “it always starts when i’m looking at you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“okay,” hyunjin gently replied. “what do you want to look at?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin moved to sit cross-legged next to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“your skin… your belly,” he whispered, following with expectant eyes hyunjin’s elegant hand slowly slipping under his t-shirt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the smooth skin of his flat belly revealed itself as hyunjin lifted his t-shirt until it folded above his collarbones. jeongin, who had seen him naked countless times before, felt like he was seeing him for the first time. his breath caught in his throat as his eyes paused on hyunjin’s light-brown nipples.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he licked his bottom lip, and the feeling of his wet tongue against his mouth had him picturing hyunjin’s nipple between his lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>how would hyunjin react if he licked his nipple? would he squirm like he saw a woman do in a western movie once? would he let out a moan? would he call his name? jeongin blushed at the thought that set off his arousal like fireworks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>upon noticing his reddened face, hyunjin asked: “what are you thinking about?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“your nipples,” jeongin blurted out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“do you want to touch them?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>at that, jeongin’s body went limp. the fists that had been tightly gripping the rim of his sweatpant unclenched. the breath he had been holding sliced into the air like a paper plane.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin’s gentle fingers curled around his wrist to bring his hand over his belly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you can start here.” he let go of his wrist and positioned his hand next to his ear, on the pillow where his blonde hair was scattered like a crown.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>even if he was tired after such a draining concert, he remained pretty, with puffy lips and rosy cheeks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“okay.” jeongin whispered, mesmerized by the sight.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he looked back at his belly where his hand laid flat below the belly button.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it was different to touch this part of his body, especially given the context now. he felt like he was allowed something forbidden for the first time; like he was graced with something only a few people ever were, if not any.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>if hyunjin’s fancams were too erotic, how could he describe the reality? no wonder he had the most views, no wonder he got so many inappropriate comments from both men and women. hyunjin knew how to offer himself on a plate, only to deny people what they wanted from him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>but what could jeongin possibly want from him? probably everything, although he had no idea what everything implied yet. and he was only touching his belly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“jeongin?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m fine,” he replied, more to reassure himself than his friend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m kinda getting cold like this,” hyunjin playfully said, which made jeongin snort and relax at the same time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>so, he began sliding his hand over hyunjin’s belly, no abs, no hair, only his smooth, lotioned skin that smelled like fresh peaches; hyunjin always used fruity soaps during winter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he slowly flattened his palm against the side of his ribcage, feeling his bones, then moved higher until the tip of his fingers brushed against his nipple.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin slightly squirmed at the touch, his lips parting as a silent gasp escaped them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin thumbed his nipple to get that reaction again, fascinated.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he used his other hand to cup hyunjin’s pectoral, intently observing the older boy's long fingers curl around the fabric of the puffy pillow as his tongue peeked out to lick his plump lips. and then, his eyes fluttered shut, with his lashes casting shadows over his rosy cheeks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin leaned down to peck one nipple, feeling the firm skin against his tongue and earning a whimper from the older boy that once again set off fireworks of arousal between his legs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he instantly sat up, afraid to have done something wrong, and removed his hands from hyunjin’s lithe body.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“no, keep going,” hyunjin told him in a faint voice. “it’s okay.” he offered him a reassuring smile that had its expected effect.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin took a silent breath and placed his hand on hyunjin’s knee this time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>out of them all, hyunjin had the prettiest muscle shape. his thighs and calves were long and toned and curved like the elves he saw in video games. his legs were strong and flexible, and jeongin wondered how flexible they could be, even if he had sen hyunjin stretch many times in the practice room. he could do the splits, something that always had jeongin wincing in pain as if he was the one spreading his legs in a horizontal line.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>when jeongin began sliding his hand over hyunjin’s thigh, the latter folded his leg until his foot was near his butt. jeongin’s hand landed on his hip that he cupped, noticing how small it was in his big hand. he cupped his other hip as well, and together, his hands were almost the size of hyunjin’s waist.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>for the first time, jeongin felt bigger than hyunjin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>realistically speaking, he was bigger than hyunjin, with thicker muscles, wider hips, more developed pectorals— the result of his countless hours at the gym with chan and changbin, but he still felt like a little boy. especially next to hyunjin who walked like he was the most valuable thing in the room, a presence that jeongin had always admired.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>when jeongin caressed his bare thighs with his hands again, hyunjin delicately parted his legs to reveal the empty spot between them. it was only sheets, but the subtle movement, the sight of his legs slowly parting, like he was offering himself, had jeongin breathless.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>driven by his arousal, he left hyunjin’s hips to stray a hand over his crotch where he felt the curve of his dick under his palm. jeongin’s own dick twitched in his pants, swollen and waiting to be touched.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it was strange to touch someone else like that, because he realized he had power over the older boy who could only whimper as he slightly stroked his dick through his shorts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>with satisfaction, he watched hyunjin’s hands tightly grip the sheets, watched the muscle of his belly constrict, watched his hips lifting to push against his palm. then, he slid his hand downward, curled his fingers under his balls, until their tip pressed against the cleft of his butt— </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>except hyunjin caught his wrist, shutting his legs closed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“sorry,” jeongin said, bringing his hand to his lap since hyunjin had let it go.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it’s fine. just not there, not like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“sorry,” he apologized again, unable to form coherent thoughts at the moment. he hoped his touch didn’t bring hyunjin bad memories, given how defensively he reacted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“like this,” hyunjin told him while rolling over to lay on his belly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>in this position, jeongin had a view of his backbone and of the back of his parted thighs that were tangled in the sheets. his pert butt naturally popped out, small and round, and almost inviting. he arched his back— jeongin let out a quiet gasp, then looked at him over his shoulder and arched an expectant eyebrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m getting cold again,” hyunjin murmured, followed by his mischievous smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“sorry,” jeongin repeated for the third time, like he was indulging the older boy instead of himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>yet this situation, with hyunjin on display, with his graceful body and his gentle instructions, remained for him, for his exploration, for his growth as a young man with desires.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>so, he placed his hand flat over the smoothness of hyunjin’s right shoulder blade, his thumb pressed in the dip of his backbone and, slowly, he caressed his friend along his back until he reached the waistband of his shorts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he joined his hands side by side, gripped the firm muscle of his waist, then slid them up along his back again. he felt knots during his movement, so he rubbed them with his thumbs, which led to hyunjin’s delicious whimpers. so delicious they triggered the fireworks again, with his dick standing heavy between his legs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin was squirming below him, arching his back and cradling the pillow between his lean arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“yes, i’d gladly get a massage right now,” he let out, panting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>his eyes were shut, his plump lips were parted, he looked exquisite. like when he was dancing, except he was currently at jeongin’s mercy, reacting to his touch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the idea of controlling someone and pleasing them was still foreign to him, but it fueled him with pride as well because it meant they shared the experience; he wasn’t using hyunjin, he was making him feel good too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“like this?” jeongin asked as he tried to massage hyunjin with his warm and clumsy hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“yes, but harder,” hyunjin panted, which had jeongin blushing from the steamy thoughts that were suddenly flooding his mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>driven by desire, he straddled the back of hyunjin’s thighs, with his bulge against the cleft of his butt. he couldn’t help it. he was enticed, he was hard, he wanted to be touched too, or to at least feel something against his dick, just to relieve the tension pulsating in all his limbs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>it didn’t seem to surprise hyunjin who skillfully rolled his hips, resulting in jeongin rubbing himself against his butt to chase the jolts of pleasure that were exploding in the low of his belly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>at that very moment, jeongin forgot about everything that existed, save for all the delightful sensations hyunjin’s body provided him. he laid down on top of his friend to embrace him in his stronger arms and keep him pinned down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he nuzzled the nape of hyunjin’s neck where it smelled even more like fresh peaches, then took the curve of his neck in his mouth to taste his skin; he felt devoured by hyunjin’s scent, by his soft moans, by his warmth that enveloped them both, or maybe was it jeongin’s warmth? he was sweating in his hoodie, but he couldn’t find it in himself to pull away in order to take it off, he couldn't leave the delight that was hyunjin’s body.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he felt his skin coated with sweat, so wet, as he was breathing like a bull in heat, moving his hips the way he often did on camera, fast and hard. except this time, he was rubbing himself against hyunjin’s butt, with the fabric of his sweatpants painfully trapping his dick.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>the pain was worth it, though. it felt good, it made him snap his hips faster.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“why does it feel so good?” jeongin groaned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>his eyes rolled in their orbits until he couldn’t see anything, so he squeezed them shut and tightened his hold around hyunjin who had let out a chuckle at his question.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it’s not funny,” jeongin managed to say, complaintive. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he pressed his forehead against the back of hyunjin’s shoulder and looked down at himself, at where his hips joined his friend’s pert butt. the sight had him losing control as the mist in his head thickened. he whined, chasing his pleasure, chasing the bliss he didn’t want to let go of, then kissed hyunjin’s shoulder a few times before biting him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>his fingers moved to toy with one of hyunjin’s nipples, hoping it would make the older feel good. he often dreamed about fucking his imaginary girlfriend like that, with her in his protecting arms and with his hand squeezing her breast; needless to say, this dream stemmed from a western movie he watched a long time ago.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>soon, hyunjin’s small, vulnerable and delectable moans brushed jeongin’s ears and led him to his release. but even if he spurted in his underwear, he kept moving his hips until his sensitive dick twitched with pain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he comfortably stayed on top of hyunjin for a while, regaining his breath and listening to the thrumming of hyunjin’s rapid heartbeats.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“jeonginnie? don’t fall asleep yet,” hyunjin said, his tone tinted with amusement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>taken out of his torpor, jeongin carefully rolled off him and laid on his back, his eyes set on the dark ceiling. he was feeling peaceful, so relaxed that even his mind didn’t know what thoughts to form.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>next to him, hyunjin propped his face against his palm and looked at him with a sweet smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“how was it? how are you feeling?” he asked him, nudging him by poking his bony knee against his thigh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin didn’t move an inch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it was amazing— like it’s the best day of my life,” jeongin replied with an airy voice. the afterglow of sex was embracing him in a cocoon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin chuckled again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“come on then. let’s get you cleaned up,” he softly told him before stretching out like a cat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin absentmindedly followed him into the bathroom, realizing just now, by standing in front of the sink, that the inside of his underwear was cold and sticky. he looked at hyunjin who undressed and stepped inside the bathtub to clean himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“was it good for you too?” jeongin blushed, thinking about what he considered to be a terrible performance. he surely wouldn’t have liked it if an inexperienced person rubbed themselves against his butt. everything he did, every gesture, every move of his hips, remained primal, even if he had wanted to pleasure hyunjin too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“yes…” hyunjin trailed without looking at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what’s wrong?” jeongin was frowning now, sensing hyunjin’s discomfort. it scared him. “do you regret it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin immediately gave him a resolute look.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“no, i don’t regret it,” he replied while stepping out of the bathtub to dry himself with one of the white towels that were folded on a shelf.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“then, what’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he stood in front of him, tall and still so pretty, looked at him with dark eyes; if his eyes were pools, jeongin could see the fish sadly swimming in them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you don’t hate me, do you?” he sounded vulnerable, likely thinking he had led jeongin into doing something they shouldn’t have done. “since i’m responsible for you, and…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“we’re not in a relationship,” jeongin simply said. this wasn’t changbin and hyunjin who were in love, but who couldn’t consume it. what happened here wasn’t even sex; they were clothed, they were helping each other, that was all. jeongin had felt good, he was still feeling good now, and he was happy to have shared this experience, his first sexual experience, with hyunjin. “i’m glad i did this with you, seriously.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin’s lips curled into a soft smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you did this with me too,” he let out before playfully pinching his cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin swatted his hand away with a groan of annoyance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“now get out, i need to clean up!” he pushed his amused friend outside the bathroom and closed the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>facing the mirror, he looked at himself, especially at his tousled hair and red cheeks, and decided to refresh his face with cold water. after that, he looked down where he pulled on the elastic of his sweatpants and saw the wet spot that had dampened his underwear. a familiar sight.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he quickly cleaned himself and went back into the bedroom to find hyunjin quietly sitting on the windowsill.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he was looking through the window, watching the cars that were still passing by in a tokyo always too busy. the moonlight bathed his face in a white glow that highlighted the beautiful features of his face, and jeongin saw in his eyes the sad glow from before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>somehow, he knew his sorrow wasn’t directed at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he approached to sit on the armrest of the quilted couch and nudged his friend with his knee.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“are you thinking about changbin?” he enquired, knowing very well that there were two things hyunjin always worried about: his work and his relationships. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>yet, only his relationship with changbin ended with his emotions bursting like a volcano.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“how do you know that?” hyunjin pouted while folding one leg on the windowsill to place his chin atop his knee.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin shrugged.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“he is the only one who makes you sad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin let out a tired sigh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“there are things he does that i don’t like, but he still does them. and at the same time, i have no right to police him, because we’re not together and will never be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“why not? you can start dating after we disband.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin tilted his head to the side, his gaze lingering on jeongin as if he was studying him, then his mood switched and he was smiling again, bringing his leg down and pivoting on his butt to face him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“right, but everything happening, everything we say in this bedroom must remain a secret, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin was shielding him, jeongin knew that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“of course!” jeongin assured. he wasn’t good at keeping things to himself, at preventing them from bottling up, but they both trusted each other with their secrets.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“so… have you found yourself?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>had he found himself? was he still lost in his sexuality? would he touch other men like he touched hyunjin? he pulled a face at the thought, him with other men. now, that was disgusting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what’s with your face?” hyunjin’s laugh sounded like a squeak.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i don’t think i’d reiterate the experience anytime soon.” jeongin said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i thought it was the best day of your life,” hyunjin teased him, his tongue peeking out between his teeth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>his remark made jeongin blush. he still couldn’t fathom the fact that he had experienced such bliss… he wondered how it would feel if to bliss he added love; love was a beautiful thing, he could see it in the romance dramas he was watching, he could see it in his parents, in his friends who were dating.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he had never paid attention to love before, especially since his lifestyle didn’t allow him to spend time pondering over the matter, but now that he had tasted half of the experience, he hoped he would one day fall in love with someone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it is the best day of my life,” jeongin admitted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“then, wouldn’t you want to do it again?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“um… with you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“or with someone else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“like… who?” jeongin squinted his eyes and scrunched his nose in disgust, picturing himself with strangers. what a terrible idea.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i don’t know, another boy? your age?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“no,” he immediately retorted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin raised a quizzical eyebrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“but you’re okay doing it with me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it’s different!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“because i know you,” jeongin replied, frustrated. maybe that was the answer: he knew hyunjin, he trusted him, and hyunjin was the closest thing to a girl, he smelled, sometimes looked like one. he was beautiful, elegant, like revered princes, and jeongin was lonely. “you’re pretty.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin nodded in understanding before stretching out his long legs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“don’t worry, it’s fine not to know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“but i know!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“do you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“not really…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“well, i am not sure about myself either, if that can make you feel better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin let out a defeated sigh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“what i do know, on the other hand, is that i wouldn’t have done what we did together with anyone else,” he sincerely told the older boy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“aww, you like me too much,” hyunjin cooed with a sweet smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“well, more than what i expected,” jeongin admitted again. it was friendship, but the kind that always made jeongin feel safe and comfortable. the kind that he knew would never deteriorate, because hyunjin would always be there for him, he would always do everything for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin was grateful to have him as his friend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“thank you for telling me that,” hyunjin said in a hushed tone. “i hope i helped you at least a tiny bit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“yeah, i liked what we’ve done.” jeongin’s cheeks flushed at his confession. maybe his type were people like hyunjin? but again, he was one of a kind, there weren’t two like him. “maybe i’ll figure everything out later?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it’s okay, it can take time,” hyunjin whispered. “there are still many things to learn, and we learn about ourselves every day in the littlest things. it will come.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“will you tell me if you ever find out?” jeongin asked him. he wanted to know so he could support him, but also he could need his help again, although not in the form of sex.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you’ll probably witness it,” hyunjin let out, his eyes were glowing in the dark. “you know how i am. i can’t let go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin understood that he was talking about changbin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>there was another thing that was unique about hyunjin: his loyalty. if his heart longed for changbin, it would long for him forever.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i’ll be there for you, whatever happens.” jeongin sincerely told him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you’re so cute.” hyunjin pouted, filled with emotion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he stood up to take jeongin in his arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin held him against his chest, feeling his heartbeats. he felt even more relaxed after their conversation that alleviated his troubled mind as well. although he was still a bit lost, he at least cleared some of his doubts from his mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he lifted hyunjin and brought him to his bed where he laid down like a feather.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>jeongin joined his own bed then, looking up at the dark ceiling while scratching his belly in the comfortable silence of the bedroom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>suddenly, a rumble, followed by another, and another. and jeongin winced at the feeling of his stomach endlessly churning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i’m hungry,” jeongin let out in realization.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin chuckled on the bed beside him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“why are you guys always hungry after sex?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“you know what they say,” jeongin began. “happiness lies in a man’s stomach.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>hyunjin lifted himself on his elbow to give him a kittenish look.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“i thought happiness was lying below a man’s stomach.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“it’s not my fault that the two are connected!”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>fin.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's frustrating to be lost, I still am even as an adult, but I believe things come when needed and at the least expected moment. In the meantime, we shall live our lives as comfortably as we can.</p><p>Please, comments and kudos are heavily encouraged. It's what motivates authors to write and share, thank you. ;;;</p><p>twt: @hyuniebinie</p></blockquote></div></div>
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